Praying for Grace Read online

  “Stop fighting, baby,” pleaded Gus. “It’s not just you now. It’s our baby, too.”

  His words stung. All I wanted was to be with Boggs and our sweet Molly. I just wanted to leave this hell on earth and be with my baby and her father. I didn’t want a new baby. I didn’t want Gus’ baby. I didn’t want Gus. I only wanted to die. My heart was physically aching and it became difficult to breathe. I found myself limp in Gus’ arms, my face buried against his chest. He caressed my back gently, causing me to try to wriggle free. I could hear him ‘shushing’ me, and managed to sneak my arms out of his tight embrace. I hit at him again. He continued to hold me until I eventually stopped struggling out of sheer exhaustion.

  CHAPTER 9

  I woke from the ruts in the road bouncing us around the back of the pickup. The night was unusually warm. Danny and Abbey were in the cab with the baby, and I noted that Katie and Gretchen had joined them. Hoot and Gus must have been left in the back with me to keep me from toppling from the back of the truck to my death on the ground. I lifted my head from Gus’ lap, which alerted him that I was awake.

  “We’re almost there,” he said quietly.

  I sat up, not answering. My arm hurt from where I had landed when I rolled out of the moving vehicle earlier.

  “Is she awake?” asked Abbey from the front seat, speaking through the little slider window that connected cab to bed.

  “Ayup.”

  “I think Emmett’s hungry.”

  “Feed him a bottle,” I muttered. I knew we had formula and water in one of the packs.

  “You sure?” asked Abbey.

  “It’s ok, Abs. She needs some time.”

  It grew quiet as we traveled on in the dark.

  “You should have left me,” I said, not completely sure if I had thought or spoken the words.

  “Never,” said Gus. He kissed my temple. “You can be mad at me all you want, and I know you are, but I will never let you check out when life’s still an option.” His voice was sweet and caring.

  “I can’t live without him,” I sighed.

  “I know it feels that way,” offered Hoot. “When my wife was killed I felt the same way.”

  I looked across the bed at him. I hadn’t realized he had lost a wife.

  “She was my everything,” he continued. “I watched her die, and there was nothing I could do. I’ll tell you this, though, I knew she’d want me to keep going.”

  I knew he meant well, but his words brought no comfort. I struggled to scoot away from Gus. I needed to be alone so badly. I needed out of this cramped space. To express this to both men, I crawled to a forward corner where there would be no chance of me jumping from the back of the truck. I curled up into a ball and hugged my knees until the rig came to a stop.

  “We should all get out to stretch,” said Hoot. “Chances are any survivors are following us, so we’ll have to be quick.”

  “There probably are none,” said Gretchen through the window.

  “Still, I’d feel better if we get moving again,” answered her brother.

  “Zoe, let’s go,” said Gus firmly.

  Needing fresh air, I knee-walked to the tailgate and climbed out. The air felt heavy as if it might rain. I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs. Abbey walked to Gus with Emmett in her arms and handed him the baby. She and Danny walked to the edge of the road and were soon out of sight. Gus stood facing me while he rocked Emmett in his arms. Hoot, Katie, and Gretchen walked the path ahead of the truck, utilizing the headlights. Not far up the road and off to the right was an old shed. The three of them entered the little building. I looked back to Gus.

  “He needs you, Zo.”

  “No. Don’t call me that. That was Boggs’ name for me. Only his.”

  Gus looked down in thought. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “I don’t want Emmett. He’s better off with Abbey.”

  The baby sneezed.

  “Well, he wants you. He knows you the best.”

  “No. I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “We have to hold on to each other, for as long as we can. All of us. Hold him, Zoe.”

  “No.”

  Gus sighed. I didn’t care.

  “We’ll pack up supplies from the shed and find somewhere to hole up for the day. Hopefully you’ll feel better after some decent sleep.”

  Katie and Gretchen walked back toward us from the shed, each carrying a medium sized cardboard box.

  “Gretch,” said Gus quietly. “Can you hold the baby while I help pack the boxes in?”

  The woman looked at me sideways, clearly upset. I looked away. The night was dark with the moon being only a sliver in the sky. I wasn’t sure how far we’d driven. I couldn’t smell the ocean anymore and we were surrounded by fir trees instead of low-lying brush.

  “Where are we?” I asked.

  Hoot walked up, carrying another box. “”We’re a bit east of Forks. We’re not staying, though. Just gathering some supplies and moving on.”

  Gretchen took the baby from Gus and walked to the cab with him. Abbey and Danny came back from the woods. Their faces looked grim.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Gus instantly.

  “There’s a pit in the woods. Abbey fell in.”

  “She ok?” asked Hoot.

  “It was full of decomposing zombies and animals,” muttered Abbey. “No, I am not alright. I’m covered in slime and guts and nasty stuff.”

  “I thought I smelled death. Come on over to the shed and I’ll help you change clothes,” said Katie.

  I looked at Danny. His face was pale.

  “Crap. Sorry kids, I should have warned you. There’s an open grave back there where D’Andre tossed bodies of all kinds,” mumbled Hoot. “Said it’d help keep disease away from camp.”

  “Let’s get going,” said Danny, who had just peeled off his own filthy t-shirt.

  “You can grab a clean shirt from my pack,” offered Gus.

  “Thanks, man.”

  “Zoe, we’ll switch for a while and ride in the cab. It’ll be cold with the busted window.”

  “We need to look for a new rig and shelter,” said Hoot. “This piece of shit truck won’t help us if we get attacked by the dead sons of bitches. We’re like a can of open tuna to a cat siting in that thing.”

  “Why not just stay here?” I asked suddenly.

  “Some of the zombies back there are too smart. Some knew about this place before they turned and kept the information in their heads. Moe and Abe actually studied a few to see if they’d be able to find their way back. It was pretty fucked up.”

  “Hoot, any suggestions on where to head?” asked Gus.

  “South,” said Gretchen, who was walking back to us, carrying one more box. “The highway will run along the coast so it shouldn’t be too crowded. Eventually we can keep going south toward Oregon or east around the tip of Puget Sound.”

  “Where’s Emmett?” asked Gus.

  “Asleep. He’s in the cab.”

  “Let’s get in, people,” said Hoot. “I’ll drive the first stretch.”

  “Gretch, hun, can you take the back seat with Emmett? Try to nap with him?” asked Gus.

  “Sure.”

  “Zoe, you’re up front with me and Hoot. Dan, Abbey, and Katie can stretch out in the back for a while.”

  “We’re here,” said Katie, suddenly appearing with Abbey, who was now dressed in a pair of pink sweats and a yellow and blue tie-dye t-shirt that was a few sizes too big for her.

  “Zoe?” said Abbey. I looked at her blankly. “I’m really sorry. We’ll all miss him.”

  I didn’t have the energy to answer her, so remained quiet. Katie set a hand on her shoulder and guided her to the rear of the pickup. Gus cleared his throat, and I walked willingly to the passenger door.

  ***

  The road away from the shed remained rough for a few miles. I sat limply between Hoo
t and Gus, and knew full well I was seated there to keep me from jumping. The wind on my face from the broken windshield was cool and stung my eyes, causing them to water.

  Gus wrapped his left arm around my shoulders. “Close your eyes, Zoe. It’ll help.”

  I allowed to him to pull me close, and leaned against him. I shut my eyes and focused on not picturing anything but black within my mind. Before long, images of Boggs and Molly crept into my head and I began crying quietly against my lover. He tried to soothe me, but it did little to help.

  “There’s a sign for Kalaloch coming up.” Gus’ chest rumbled with his words. As angry as I was with the world, the feel of his chest against my face and his smell were a small comfort. “We should stop there and find shelter.”

  “Agreed,” said Hoot from behind the wheel. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I always get antsy moving to a new place. There’s always something fucked up to deal with.”

  Gus put a hand on top of my head and leaned down. “You hanging in there?” he asked me softly.

  “No,” I said without emotion.

  “We’ll stop soon. Get some food and rest.”

  “That won’t bring him back,” I mumbled.

  “I know, darlin’. I know. And I’m so sorry.” He kissed the top of my head.

  ***

  Miles went by with nothing more said. My ears were growing cold from the wind and I could hear Emmett fussing. I wasn’t sure if I had slept or not, but I felt groggy. I was still leaning against Gus, so sat upright. He took advantage and repositioned himself as well.

  “I should feed him,” I said.

  “We’ll stop at the next turn off,” said Hoot as he yawned.

  “I’ll drive after that,” offered Gus.

  Hoot drove on, but after only minutes slowed and pulled off the road, stopping alongside a grassy field. We all got out to stretch. Every one of us looked apprehensive as we stood in the first rays of daylight. By the feel of it, the day would be warm. The air was heavy and still; unnaturally so. I found myself wishing I could still sense the dead.

  “It doesn’t feel right,” whispered Abbey.

  “Too quiet," added Danny.

  “We’re still close to the coast. There should at least be a breeze,” mentioned Katie.

  “Ayup. Let’s make this stop quick. Zoe, can you feed Emmett in the bed of the truck while I drive? It’s too windy up front for him.”

  I nodded. “Sure.”

  “Dan, Abs, and Katie can ride up front. Gretchen and Hoot, go ahead and rest in the back with Zoe.”

  Gretchen still held Emmett in her arms. He was still fussing.

  “I need to go to the bathroom,” I mumbled as I walked off. I could hear footfalls accompany me. I knew it was Gus. “You don’t have to follow me. There’s nowhere I can go.”

  “I’m not letting you go off alone. It’s too dangerous,” he said.

  I turned to face him. “Thanks,” I managed to mutter.

  He took a step toward me and gently placed his palms on each side of my face. “No thanks needed. I’ll always do everything I can to protect my girl.”

  He was looking into my eyes, and while I wanted to look away I stayed focused on him. He leaned down and kissed me roughly on the lips. It felt as if he were tasting me in case it were his last chance. I returned his kiss, but knew my demonstration of love was filled with sadness.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I mumbled against him.

  “Agreed. I need to piss too.”

  We did what we needed, and then walked back to the truck. Gretchen handed the baby to me.

  “I just changed him but he’s hungry,” she said.

  Gus leaned over and kissed Emmett on the forehead, and then me on the cheek. “See you soon,” he whispered before walking to the driver’s door.

  “Zoe, hand me the baby while you climb on in,” suggested Hoot from inside the truck canopy.

  I heard a snarl in the distance, much like a large cat in pursuit of prey. It sent chills up my spine. I passed the baby off to Hoot’s waiting arms and soon after climbed in, directly followed by Gretchen. She shut the canopy back and Hoot tapped on the window separating bed from cab. I scooted to the far corner and settled in on a pile of blankets that had come from the shed we had left behind. Hoot quickly handed the baby back to me. The little one was crying. I settled him at my breast as we drove away. As hard as I tried to not look at him lovingly, I found the task impossible. I suddenly felt bad for trying to leave him.

  **

  Our next stop was a small town called Kalaloch. We drove through using the main drag, which was littered with debris. Gus drove slowly and all of us were busy watching for shelter and a new vehicle option. It wasn’t until we were a mile out of town that a building caught Dan’s eye. It was an old farm, sitting back off the highway across an old crop field. Weeds and grasses had long ago taken over the land, leaving the place difficult to spot from a distance. Had the sun not risen as we passed, I doubt we’d have noticed it.

  A dilapidated barn sat in slow collapse off on the western side of the property. An old stone well sat between the barn and traditional two-story farmhouse that looked like it was ancient. Unlike the barn, though, the house was not leaning and looked intact.

  “Too bad this isn’t the Midwest,” said Gus as he spit on the ground. He hadn’t chewed tobacco that I was aware of in weeks.

  “Why?” asked Katie.

  He spit again before answering. “Better chance of finding a storm cellar.”

  “Let’s get inside and clear it, huh?” said Gretchen.

  “Ayup. Sounds good.”

  “Some of us should look for camouflage for the truck. That damn orange paint stands out like a sore thumb,” mentioned Hoot as he scanned the property.

  Gretchen, Dan, and Abbey had already started climbing the porch of the old house. The windows had been boarded and morning glory vines were doing their best to claim the structure as their own. Gray paint had chipped away from the porch rails, exposing areas of rot and wear.

  “Zoe, can I hold your hand?” asked Gretchen, who was waiting by the still-closed front door.

  I looked at her questioningly, but without asking her why, I stepped forward and took hold of her hand.

  “Do you feel anything?” she asked me.

  I shook my head side to side.

  “Close your eyes and listen.”

  I blinked at her a couple of times before gently closing my eyes. I focused on breathing in through my nose. I could smell wild wisteria that grew nearby. I could smell mud from a recent rain. Gus set his hands on my shoulders, causing me to tense for a brief moment. He nestled his face against the side of my neck. I could feel Gretchen’s hand shiver in mine, almost as if she had felt Gus’ skin on her own. My instinct was to pull away from her, but she held me still. I wanted to open my eyes but I could feel that my senses were heightened by whatever connection was being shared between the three of us. Before long I could feel Gus’ body down the length of my backside and his arms moved from my shoulders to around me, holding my body against his. When Gretchen also moved toward my front, in essence hugging me to her, I heard a tiny heartbeat in my mind. Within the virtual sound was a sense of overwhelming peace. For the first time since I thought he had died, I could feel Gus’ soul not only touching my own, but deep inside of my own. Gretchen’s soul was wrapped around us both. I felt safe and warm. I could feel very little else, in an indescribable way. Eventually the bond was broken and as I collapsed, Gus lifted me into his arms.

  CHAPTER 10

  Hoot broke the lock on the front door and Gus carried me into the farm house, where he set me down on a couch. Before long I closed my eyes to rest. I blinked my eyes open. My head was in Gus’ lap and he was stroking my hair

  I looked around the room. There was another smaller sofa and a couple of easy chairs. Katie and Abbey were on the loveseat tending to Emmett while Hoot and Dan were in chairs. I wasn’t sure why everyone was just sitting ar
ound.

  “We have to make sure the house is safe,” I said quickly.

  “We already did,” smiled Gus. “While you were sleeping.”

  I squinted my eyes, confused.

  “You’ve been out for a while.”

  “You just carried me in,” I said.

  “Three hours ago.”

  I hadn’t realized I had slept.

  “The house is safe and secure. Gretchen’s upstairs in one of the bedrooms. Whatever the three of us did outside on the porch, it knocked her out pretty hard too,” said Gus as he continued to pet my head.

  “We’ll stay here for a day or so and then move on,” said Hoot. “I’m taking Danny out to look for a new rig. The rest of you should sleep.”

  “I’ll watch over everyone,” said Gus sleepily. “Katie, Abs, Zoe…you should all find a bed and catch some Z’s.”

  “There’s only one other bedroom up there,” said Katie. “Abbey, mind sharing with me?”

  “That’s fine,” she answered with a yawn.

  “I’ll stay here with Gus and take care of Emmett,” I mumbled. While everyone else began going their separate ways, I nestled in next to Emmett on the couch. He smelled of sweet milk and the outdoors. I rested my face close to his and drifted off to sleep again.

  ***

  I woke when Emmett began fussing. I still felt tired and groggy. The room was darker than before and I had to struggle to see anything.

  “Gus?” I called out, careful to stay relatively quiet.

  “I’m here, babe.” I could hear him but not see him. A chair squeaked and footfalls came toward me.

  “It’s dark.”

  “It’s the middle of the night. Everyone else is asleep.”

  At last he was close enough for me to make out his face. A single candle burned in the room, but was heavily shaded by something.

  “Emmett’s diaper is wet.”

  “I’ll grab a new one,” whispered Gus.

  “Are Dan and Hoot back yet?”