Praying for Grace Page 13

“Let’s go sit,” he said as he pulled me toward the barrier on the side of the highway.

  We sat side by side and I leaned against him, enjoying the close moment. He wrapped an arm around me and sighed softly. A bird flew overhead. It wobbled in the air as it fought the wind that was blowing.

  “Looks like a storm’s headed this way,” I said as I pointed to dark clouds that were rolling in from the north.

  “Ayup. We’ll get back inside before it hits us here.”

  The others were pouring out of the RV and stretching.

  “Do you think this Clark is ok? I mean safe?” I asked.

  “He seems pretty down to earth. I think he’s alright.”

  “Think there’s any chance his wife is waiting for him at their house?”

  I felt him shrug. “I’m sure chances are slim, but any chance is worth holding onto.”

  “I hope she’s alive,” I muttered.

  “Me too darlin’, me too.”

  I stood and turned to face Gus. He took my hands in his and looked up at me.

  “I’m afraid for this baby,” I said out of the blue.

  He squinted his eyes at me a bit. “Talk to me.” He could keep his deep voice so calm, it amazed me.

  I lifted my t-shirt enough to show him my belly, which was already rounding, showing signs that I was carrying a child. “Do you see it?” I asked.

  “I see beautiful you. What am I looking for?”

  “Where the green lines used to be. They’re back, but they’re white.”

  He traced one of the faint white lines in my skin. “I think they’re just stretch marks, babe.”

  “No. My stretch marks are different. Molly hardly left any, and the ones I have are just on my hips.”

  “These may just be new ones starting,” he sighed.

  I put my hand over his, which was still touching the flesh of my belly. “No. These are where the green lines were before.”

  “Ok. We’ll watch things carefully.” He didn’t seem worried.

  I turned when I heard footfalls coming toward us, crunching noisily in the gravel. Katie wore a look of worry upon her slender face.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” she said. “Gretchen seems really sick. I’m worried.”

  Gus stood and hung his head, one of his hands rubbing at the back of his neck. “She lost the baby, Katie.”

  “She was crying when I left her just now. She seemed like she was in pain.”

  “I’ll go check on her.” He stood and started walking back to the RV.

  “I’ll be in soon,” I said, letting his hand slide from mine.

  “Mind if I wait out here with you?” asked Katie.

  I looked at her and could tell that she was worried about Gretchen. “Sure. No problem.” I looked down at my feet and gently used the toe of my right shoe to roll gravel around, halfway burying an empty and faded Doritos snack pack that someone had long ago tossed.

  “I’m really sorry about Boggs,” she said. “He was right behind me…” she trailed off.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled. Talking about him this soon was too tough.

  “He was a good guy.”

  I looked up. “It’s a bit too hard to talk about,” I admitted.

  “Sorry.”

  Our heads both whipped around to face the motorhome at the same time. A gunshot had pierced the quiet of the night, followed by a scream of pure rage. I knew it was Gus, even though it was unlike any sound I had ever heard him make. On some level deep down I already knew that he had found Gretchen dead. His screams echoed my own the day I thought he had shot himself. My feet felt heavy as I ran toward the RV. The others were also running back now: Dan and Clark from the other side of the road and Abbey from behind us. I could hear Gus’ cries through the metal sides of the motorhome. “No, Gretchen, no…”

  My instinct was to get to him as fast as I could, so I scrambled to the door. “Gus!” I yelled.

  “Keep her out,” he moaned. “Zoe, stay out!” His words were mixed with a combination of heaving, spitting, and deep despair.

  I ignored his warnings and reached for the door handle, pulling it open toward me. Gus was leaning forward with his hands on his knees, a shotgun on the floor near his feet. He was vomiting violently, the contents of his stomach mixing with blood that had pooled on the floor.

  “Get out!” he screamed, half choking on his own vomit.

  I hoisted myself up, vaguely aware of someone close behind me.

  “What is it?” I demanded.

  Gus half stood there, bent over, wiping vomit from his mouth, and trying to catch his breath. His face had gone pale white and his eyes were bloodshot and glistening with tears.

  “Get out!” he screamed at me.

  I knew he was trying to spare me some sort of pain, but his tone still cut deep. Our eyes locked for the briefest of moments before he looked away, apparently unable to bear looking at me. I stepped forward hastily, falling forward as my balance was interrupted by a hand grabbing at my lower leg from behind. I ignored Danny’s pleas for me to stop and kicked to get away from him, eventually finding my feet again. As I stepped close to Gus, prepared to push him aside, I saw the full extent of the blood. It splattered him, the walls, ceiling, floor, and furniture. Lying in the threshold to the small bedroom was Gretchen’s fallen body, twisted and mutilated by the shell from Gus’ gun.

  “Oh God,” I moaned. “What happened to her?”

  “Zoe, you need to get out,” said Gus sternly. “Now.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do,” I barked. I didn’t want to be mean, knowing that Gretchen was gone, but his trying to shield me from seeing her was out of line. I had seen so much worse. If anything, he should be crying on my shoulder for comfort at losing his friend. I knew he had a special bond with her, but his love for me should be what he was running toward. My mind raced as the interior of the RV grew extremely quiet. Why was it so quiet? Something was wrong, something far worse than what I was looking at. I turned and looked at Gus.

  “Where’s my baby?” I spat. He kept his eyes on the floor. “Where is he, Gus? Where’s Emmett?”

  I stole a quick glance at Danny, who stood blocking the exit. Katie was right behind him, trying to see in. Without hesitating, I walked straight toward Gus, who barely moved his eyes from the floor. As I began to step past him, he held an arm out to restrain me. He was nearly as wide as the aisle way, and much stronger than me.

  “So help me God, let me go!” I growled as I struggled to get past him.

  His arm went slack, causing me to nearly fall forward. With each step I took toward the cab, I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my head. I could hear my own breathing. I could hear Gus moaning quietly from despair. Aside from that, all remained silent. We had been keeping Emmett on the end of one of the couches, and I went toward the small bundle that rested there now. I held my breath as I got near enough to touch him. I watched for a moment. I was hoping he was just sleeping, and my breath finally released when the blankets rustled ever so slightly. I reached forward to pick him up, ignoring anyone who might be behind me.

  “Don’t,” I heard Gus say, sounding as if he were far away.

  I ignored him and placed my hands upon the tiny bundle. I knew something was wrong. He was too quiet, not crying. He should have been crying after all the commotion and noise. His blankets weren’t right. Whoever had covered him with a dirty blanket should be ashamed, I thought to myself. His head was covered. I moved the blanket aside, revealing his tiny body. I felt my mouth quiver as my hands stilled and hovered over him. He was naked aside from a sagging diaper and a single tiny sock on his left foot. His skin was coated in blood, as was the couch cushion beneath him. He was face down and struggling to turn his head toward me. The grunts he made were unlike any human noise I had heard before. Even when Molly had woken up hungry after she died, she hadn’t sounded this…evil. The sounds from around me became more apparent. Katie was crying and someone was sniffling. I knelt down on the floor and lightly touc
hed Emmett’s back. He was so very cold. My touch sent him into a frenzy.

  I did the only thing I could think of. I sang to him.

  “You are my sun-shine, my only sun-shine. You make me hap-py, when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sun-shine away.”

  I hung my head and felt his dead body wriggle beneath my hand. He was so innocent and didn’t deserve this.

  “Gus, hand me a knife,” I said as calmly as I could. When he didn’t respond, I looked up to see who was closest to me. Dan. He only met my eyes briefly before nodding once. He walked quietly toward me and knelt beside me.

  “I’ll take care of him,” he whispered.

  “No. I need to be the one.”

  “You sure?” He put one of his hands on my shoulder.

  I nodded.

  Within seconds a small hunting knife was in my hand

  “Can everyone step out?” I asked. “I need to do this alone.”

  Quietly, my companions left the RV and shut the door behind them. And then we were alone, just me and the baby who had been born into this world only to die a terrible death. The sound of Gus yelling and cursing outside mixed with the snarls coming from the baby. I gently turned Emmett’s cold body over so that he was facing up.

  “What did Gretchen do to you, baby boy?” I whispered so quietly that it was nearly inaudible.

  His soft baby belly had been torn open viciously, loops of bowel and organs protruding. There was so much blood that had pooled beneath him. He kicked his tiny legs at me, his pudgy baby fists desperately searching for me. I knew he didn’t want my comfort. He simply craved my flesh, as any living dead would. It wasn’t his fault. His lips, which had been full and pink this morning, were now gray and snarling. I placed my hands under his arms and gently lifted him, ignoring the still-wet blood that made his body slick. I held him out from me, struggling to keep hold of him. He looked at me in an eerie way, his eyes void of life and beginning to cloud over.

  “Mommy’s gonna make it better. I promise.”

  I leaned forward and kissed his cold forehead before lying him back on the couch. I used the least stained blanket to swaddle him tightly, leaving only his head free.

  “Don’t be afraid, baby,” I said quietly as I picked him back up, resting him over my shoulder. I could feel his tiny face searching for the flesh of my shoulder, but I knew his toothless mouth could do no harm. I sang ‘hush little baby’ as I plunged Danny’s knife up through the base of his still-soft skull. When his body fell limp, I pulled the knife from his head and let it fall to the floor. I kissed his temple and breathed in his scent one last time.

  CHAPTER 12

  We burned the bodies of Gretchen and Emmett alongside the highway, paying no mind to the possibility of smoke attracting unwanted attention. I stayed inside the RV, not having the energy to say goodbye. I never did shed tears. I knew I would miss watching Emmett grow. I knew that Gus had loved Gretchen in his own way, and I had come to accept that I would never be privy to the exact nature of that love. He mourned for her and I was unable to ease his pain. Things were as they were and there was no controlling any of it. Miles would pass without seeing the dead, but we all knew they were out there. We continued to travel in the RV for days. Eventually the damned thing broke down, stranding us in the Cascades with Mount Rainier looming in the distance, taunting us. Clark spent his days talking about his life with his wife Laura. At times I wished I contained as much enthusiasm as he displayed, but it was too hard to find any sort of excitement when death loomed around every corner. As with Molly, my belly grew large in a very short amount of time. I refused to talk about this baby, and did my best to not think about it. I had already lost so much and refused to become attached to yet another human who would break my heart when they were taken from me.

  Summer had arrived in full force. Nights in the mountains were cool, offering relief from the relentless heat of daytime. We had lived out of the shell of the RV for nearly a week before deciding to finish our trek on foot. Our canned food was nearly gone, as was our water supply. We packed up what we had left, fashioning bed sheets into knapsacks. I should have been carrying baby Emmett, not a bundle of bottled water and canned carrots in his place. I stepped out of the motorhome and looked south toward the peak of Rainier. It wore a crown of ominous cloud cover, looming over us mockingly.

  “C’mon, Zoe,” said Gus gloomily. I hadn’t seen him this tired and out of sorts since he had been stabbed on the boat months before.

  The others were all several yards ahead of us. I didn’t respond to him, aside from forcing one foot in front of the other, simply following the rest of our meager group. Part of me wanted to fall behind and disappear, be it at the mercy of nature or at the hands of the dead. Instead, I continued on due to an innate desire to live.

  ***

  The old forest service road on which we traveled was badly overgrown due to years of disuse, leaving us with a treacherous path. My ankles were swollen from being vertical and pregnant, and my shins and calves were scratched from underbrush.

  “What’s that?” asked Katie, out of breath from climbing in elevation.

  I followed her gaze to an old wooden structure that looked like a short building of some sort.

  “That’s an old mining shack, Sugar” said Clark. “My brothers and I used to mess around in it when we were Scouts. Not the safest as far as shelters go, but it’ll do for tonight.”

  “It looks so far away,” whined Abbey. I didn’t blame her. I was tired of walking too.

  “Then let’s get going,” said Gus.

  “I’m hungry,” said Abbey.

  “We’ll eat once we get there. See the clouds heading in from the east?” asked Clark.

  “Yeah,” answered the girl.

  “Sure sign of rain,” continued Clark. “We don’t need to be out in the open during a downpour.”

  To my surprise, Gus took hold of my hand. He hadn’t touched me since we had left the confines of the motorhome. I hadn’t taken it personally. He knew I was miserable, and I knew he was heartbroken at the loss of Gretchen. I looked at him briefly as we walked toward the wooden structure, surprised when he smiled weakly at me.

  It took us until near dusk to reach the structure, which was larger than it had appeared from a distance. Most of the trek was downhill into a valley, but treacherous. I kept hold of Gus’ hand most of the way just to keep from spraining an ankle or falling. His touch held a tingle that I had once known, but on a much smaller scale. Startled, I glanced at him.

  “I feel it too,” he said softly.

  I stopped walking and looked up at him.

  “It feels good,” he continued. “I’ve missed you, Zoe.” He gave my hand a squeeze and we continued on without saying more.

  The shack was in rough shape and missing a door. It was constructed of wide boards with several separations in the seams. The roof was metal and rusted through in areas. It held no promise of keeping us dry or protecting us from living dead who might wander through. It smelled dank and of rotting earth.

  “I hate to suggest it, but we might be better off right inside the mine,” said Clark.

  “Is it nearby?” I asked.

  “Yeah. About a quarter mile north of here. We’ll stay there tonight and then head toward my house once the weather cooperates. It’s only about a day’s walk from here.”

  Abbey groused and Danny grumbled for her to knock it off. We were all tired and ready for a break of some sort.

  “I’d say let’s take five but we need to hit the mine opening before dark,” said Gus. “Abs, not much farther, ok?”

  She nodded, but looked disappointed. Abbey had matured so much since we met that sometimes I had to remind myself that she was still young, barely into her teens now.

  “Maybe a couple of us should scout ahead, see exactly how far it is,” Katie suggested.

  “Too risky considering the weather,” said Hoot.

  As if on cue
, thunder rolled in the distance. I hadn’t noticed that clouds were gathering directly above.

  “Let’s go,” I muttered.

  We left the crumbling shack behind and began an uphill climb to where Clark insisted we’d find the entrance to an old hard rock mine. The quarter-mile trek ended up taking almost an hour due to the steepness of the path. By the time we stopped, my ankles had swollen dramatically and my back ached horribly.

  “This is it?” panted Abbey as she struggled to catch her breath.

  “It is. We’ll need to uncover the entry,” answered Clark.

  The sky flashed yellow-orange, just like it had the day we had landed on Tatoosh Island. Thunder followed and rain began to fall in large drops. I looked toward the sky, cursing inwardly. The temperature had dropped in a matter of minutes and I was beginning to shiver. Katie and Danny were helping pull shrubbery back from the wooden frame that had been skillfully placed to keep people out of the mine. It was weathered just as the shack had been. Abbey stood close to me and I wrapped an arm around her protectively. She had developed a bit of a cough and seemed unusually tired. I felt vulnerable here, especially with daylight fading. The storm grew fierce and wind howled in the valley below. The cloud cover was too thick to see the peak of the mountain that I knew was so close by. The chill of nearby glaciers blew with the wind, stinging our faces. Gus and Clark entered the shaft first. I was hesitant to enter due to the promise of darkness and the unknown.

  “C’mon, let’s get out of this rain!” yelled Gus, struggling to be heard above the wind.

  “Zoe, I don’t want to go in there,” whispered Abbey. I could barely hear her.

  I reached down and found her hand. Without answering her, I pulled her forward toward the tunnel. I knew how she felt, but like me she also knew we had no choice. Thunder continued all around us as we one-by-one ducked under a large wooden beam that kept the top edge of the mine opening from toppling down. Evening light reached only a few feet into the stone shaft, where it quickly lost the battle between light and dark. The six of us piled our makeshift knapsacks off to one side, where they were quickly swallowed by darkness. We huddled together against one wall as the rain attempted to search us out.