Praying for Grace Page 19

  The room had grown dark. The only significant light now came from candles that burned nearby, as well as the circular fireplace in the center of the room.

  “I know,” said Gus. “But you’re strong, Zoe. So very strong. No matter what happens, I’m here for you.”

  “Can Laura come back in?” I asked.

  “If you want, sure.”

  He called out gently for the older woman. I heard her rise from a seat elsewhere in the room. I hadn’t realized she was so near.

  “I’m here,” she whispered as she sat on the bed beside me.

  “Will you stay?” I asked weakly.

  I felt so tired, and needed another woman there, if only just to hold my hand.

  “I need to sit up,” I said as a sudden urge hit me. My hips felt like they were being ripped apart.

  Gus wrapped his strong arms behind my back and helped lift me to a semi-sitting position.

  “Here,” said Laura. “You can lean on me.”

  She got up and wedged herself behind me. “When I had my baby, my own mother did this for me. It helped so much.”

  I leaned against the woman and adjusted my bottom and legs until it relieved some of the pain and pressure.

  “That’s right,” she soothed as she stroked my hair back from my face. “Let your body tell you what to do.”

  I let my legs fall open and took a couple of deep, cleansing breaths.

  “Gus, if she lives I want to name her Hope,” I said quietly.

  “Hope sounds perfect,” said Gus.

  “It’s a beautiful name,” said Laura.

  “I need to push.”

  “Wait for a contraction,” said Gus. “Her head’s right there, baby.”

  “It burns,” I cried out.

  “That’s the ring of fire,” said Laura. “It’ll be gone soon enough.”

  My belly began to tighten painfully. I reached out and found one of Laura’s hands, which I gripped tightly. I bore down, trying to push baby Hope from my body. Without meaning to, I began to bring my legs together.

  “Let your legs fall open, babe,” whispered Gus.

  I did as instructed and took another deep breath before pushing again. I could feel my whole body trembling.

  “Her head’s out, darlin’. One more push and she’ll be here.”

  Exhausted, I leaned back against Laura as the contraction ended. “Is she alive?” I asked as I closed my eyes. No one answered.

  Another contraction began and I forced myself up onto my elbows.

  “Give me another big push, Zoe,” said Gus.

  I took a deep breath and held it while I used all of my remaining strength to push the baby from my body. As she slid from me, I cried out in pain as I felt myself tear.

  I opened my eyes and watched as Gus held her slippery body with a bath towel. He was busy drying her off and I couldn’t see much. I didn’t hear her crying.

  “Is she ok?” I asked in a panic. “She’s not crying. Why isn’t she crying?” I asked quickly as my eyes began to fill with tears, fearing the worst.

  “It’s ok. She’s breathing,” said Gus as he smiled down at the infant in his arms.

  He wrapped our baby in the towel and set her on my belly. I looked at her, still waiting for her to cry.”

  “Why isn’t she crying?” I asked again.

  “I’m not sure, but she’s breathing.”

  Gus was busy tying off her umbilical cord. I suddenly felt something else leave my body.

  “It’s just the placenta,” Gus explained.

  I looked at him in amazement. I could feel him again.

  Gus, I feel you.

  He smiled softly at me as he cleaned me up down below.

  Laura leaned down from behind me and kissed me on the cheek.

  “You three need some time alone.” She slipped out from behind me and placed a couple of pillows in her place. I could tell that she was crying.

  I kept my eyes on the tiny baby that was lying on me. I was afraid to peel back the towel to look at her. I kept a hand on her to feel her breathe.

  “Hold her close to keep her warm,” said Gus.

  “She’s so small,” I whispered.

  Finally, I pulled back the corner of the light blue terry cloth towel that Gus had wrapped her in.

  “She’s so pink,” I said as I touched her cheek with the tip of my index finger.

  “That’s good,” said Gus. “Pink is good.”

  “Hi, Hope,” I whispered.

  She blinked her eyes a couple of times and looked up at my face. Her eyes were pale blue and their depths looked like they might hold all the secrets of the universe. Her hair was fair and matted to her head by amniotic fluid and a trace of blood. She sneezed, which made me smile. It was the first sound she’d made.

  “Lift your butt and I’ll get this mess out from underneath you,” said Gus.

  I did as instructed and felt great relief when the wet mess was gone.

  “One more time for a clean towel,” he said.

  I traced her forehead with the pad of my thumb and covered her back up. I didn’t want her to get cold. I hadn’t meant to fall in love with her, but in those first few moments of her life I had been given no choice. Gus left me alone with her just long enough to get rid of the dirty towels. Once he returned, he sat beside us on the bed.

  “I need to look her over and wrap her in a dry towel,” he said tiredly.

  I didn’t want to let her go, but knew it was best. I allowed him to pick her up, and as soon as she was no longer touching me she finally emitted her first real cry. The sound made me smile wider. Gus held her up in front of him and smiled down at her.

  “Ah, Zoe, she’s gorgeous. She looks so much like my daughter Annabelle.”

  “Does she look ok?”

  “So far so good. She’s earlier than Molly was, but looks full term. You did real good, Mama,” he said softly as he wrapped her in a dry towel.

  “Her eyes are so light,” I said.

  “Ayup. Bright and beautiful. You should sleep,” he said.

  “Not yet.”

  He nestled Hope back in my arms and I just stared at her. It was almost impossible to look away. I could sense Gus’ joy and I could sense a feeling of peace from our little girl.

  “Do you want to pick a middle name?” he asked me.

  “No middle name. ‘Hope’ is just right.”

  “What about a last name?”

  “Does she need one?”

  He chuckled. “I’d kind-of like her to have mine. But I want her to have the same one as you. Marry me, Zoe.”

  I looked up and smiled. “There’s no laws left, Gus. No preachers. No licenses. How would we get married?”

  “We just do. We vow to love each other, and Hope, as long as we live. It can just be the three of us, or we can have Hoot, Clark, and Laura with to witness.”

  “That’d be nice. But are you sure you want to?”

  “I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

  “Ok,” I said, looking back down at baby Hope.

  “So you will?”

  “I will.”

  I winced as my belly cramped again. I had forgotten already about the pains that followed birth. Gus helped me scoot down in the bed and settled Hope next to me. He promised to stay awake to watch over her while we slept. He knew I was terrified that she’d stop breathing, as Molly had. I nursed her for a short time before we both fell asleep.

  CHAPTER 18

  The next four hours were the best I had slept in months. Gus woke me as soon as Hope began to stir. At first, I feared he was waking me to tell me that she had passed away, as Molly had. Seeing the fear in my eyes, he quickly calmed me.

  “It’s ok, she’s just waking up hungry,” he said as he smiled down at both of us. “Laura brought in some old towels that she cut down to use for diapers. I’ve already changed her.”

  Our new baby had one eye open and was smacking her lips hungrily. I touched her cheek lightly and she turned
her face toward me in search of a meal.

  “She needs a bath,” I said gently as I smiled at her.

  “I’ll ask Laura to warm some water while you feed her.”

  “Gus?”

  “Ayup?”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what, darlin’?”

  “For her. For you. Just for everything.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ll be back in a few minutes, ok?”

  “Ok.”

  He left the room to find Laura, and I adjusted myself in the bed, sitting up so that I could hold Hope to my breast. She was warm and making soft little noises as she searched eagerly. One of her little hands caressed my breast as she suckled. I slipped my thumb under her palm and looked at her pudgy fingers. Her skin was soft. Everything about her was amazing. Everything about her was good, in a world full of bad.

  Before long, Laura and Gus came back to the family room. They both smiled at the sight of me and the baby. I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “Everyone else is asleep,” said Laura. “I heated water in the kitchen so both mama and baby can get cleaned up. Gus can help you while I get a proper bed ready for you guys.”

  “Thanks Laura,” I said quietly while Hope continued to feed.

  “I also left some rice and meat on the kitchen table for both of you. You’ll need it to get your strength back.”

  “Can I ask you one more favor, Laura?” asked Gus.

  “Anything.”

  “Do you mind holding the baby so I can get Zoe taken care of first? I don’t want her getting up alone for the first time in case she’s weak.”

  “Do I mind?” chuckled Laura. “I’d be thrilled to hold the little one.”

  ***

  Gus helped me to the bathroom, where I was able to do my private business and shower. Even though the water was cold, it felt good to rid myself of the mess of birth and hours of built up sweat. Once I was done, Gus set me up at the kitchen table, where I began eating the food that Laura had left out for us. Gus excused himself to get Hope, saying he’d eat later. I was pretty sure the meat was rabbit that had been stir fried with fresh vegetables from her garden. I hadn’t realized that I was as hungry as I was until I began eating.

  Before long Gus walked in, carrying Hope in his arms. He looked like a natural.

  “Someone’s ready for her first bath,” he said.

  “Is Laura coming in?” I asked.

  “Nah. She headed back to bed. Poor thing was exhausted after everything today.”

  “She’s sweet. I really like her.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  I stood and joined Gus by the sink, where a pot of hot water had been cooling. It was just warm enough for Hope’s bath. He asked me if I wanted to bathe her, but I declined. She was too new, and too small. I was afraid I’d hurt her. Instead, I watched as he gently poured warm water on her and followed with soap. She cried when he rinsed her off.

  I walked beside him as he carried her down the hallway, wrapped in a towel, to the bedroom that had belonged to Alice. It was still the middle of the night and dark, but Laura had left a couple of candles lit beside the bed. Gus laid Hope down on the bed and finished drying her off. She was still pink, but clean now. Her head was covered in fine white hair. In looking at her beautiful eyes more closely, I realized that her tiny eyelashes were white as well.

  “Gus, why’s her hair so light?”

  He sighed. “I’ve noticed it too. We’ll need to watch her, but it might be albinism.”

  “Be what?” I asked, being unfamiliar with the term.

  “An albino. Her eyes are so light, and her hair.”

  “What if she is? What does it mean?”

  “Worst case scenario we need to keep her out of sunlight. Possible blindness down the road.”

  I climbed onto the bed and leaned over Hope, kissing her on the head.

  “I’ll love her no matter what.”

  “She’ll be ok.”

  I knew he couldn’t promise that.

  ***

  The next weeks passed as the six of us got to know each other better. Hope worried us constantly as her growth continued at a rapid rate. She ate almost non-stop and at almost a month old looked and acted at least twice her age. It was clear by now that she indeed was albino, as Gus had thought. Her hair was fine as silk and white as can be, and her eyes remained pale blue. She seldom cried or fussed and brought joy to us all. She didn’t appear to have any health issues, and seemed to be thriving. Gus and I each felt a connection to her on the deep level that we connected with each other. Sometimes, I’d hold her as she slept and I could feel the emotions of her dreams. Hoot quickly took on the role of uncle, and Laura and Clark were thrilled to treat her like a grandchild. It wasn’t the family I had imagined having one day, but I was thrilled to have them all in our lives.

  Laura and I spent most of our time in her garden, which now included an expansive green house that Gus and Hoot had made out of logs from the nearby forest and clear plastic sheeting that Clark had left over from when they had first built the house. We hoped it would work well enough to provide fresh produce through the coming winter. Laura was teaching me how to can fruits and vegetables, as well as fish that we caught from a nearby stream. We had no plans to leave the little concrete house built into the hill. It was home now. It had been weeks since we had seen any of the dead. Or the living. Still, we lived on edge, always expecting the worst.

  Four weeks to the date after her birth, Gus and I vowed to love and cherish each other, along with Hope, in front of our new family. We celebrated with homemade wine and a wild roast turkey that was stuffed with cornmeal, potatoes, and herbs.

  ONE YEAR LATER

  Our first winter was tough on us all. We lost most of our garden when snowfall collapsed one end of the greenhouse. Luckily, Laura and I had done a significant amount of canning and Hoot and Gus kept a makeshift outdoor cooler full of small game. Summer brought with it new hope as the surrounding land began to thaw. Our daughter was nearly a year old now, but the size of a two year old. She had learned to walk, but was still a bit unsteady on her legs. She hadn’t uttered a word yet, but loved to laugh at her daddy. Her eyes remained a shade of blue paler than the sky and her white hair had grown to her shoulders. Luckily, she didn’t seem bothered by the sun despite her pale skin.

  “You ladies ready?” asked Gus, staring at us from the open doorway of our bedroom.

  I smoothed the knee-length patchwork dress that Laura had made for Hope out of scraps of fabric she had lying around and patted her bottom as she toddled toward her dad.

  “All ready,” I said with a smile.

  “Laura packed lunch,” Gus said as he scooped Hope into his arms. “Can you say ‘lunch’?” he asked her.

  She responded by giggling at him.

  “That’s Daddy’s big girl,” he said as he gave her a kiss on her pale cheek.

  “I’ll be right behind you,” I said.

  “We’ll wait for you by the front door.”

  “Ok.”

  It was our first big outing, all six of us together. Laura preferred to stay close to home, but Clark had talked her into joining us on a brief hunting expedition disguised as a picnic. Hoot and Clark packed rifles in the off chance we came across any big game, or the dead.

  The air outside the home was crisp and fresh. The sky was blue and a gentle breeze blew. We hiked for almost a mile. Hope insisted on walking part of the time, but Gus carried her as much as she’d allow.

  We stopped to eat lunch in a meadow bordered on one side by the edge of a glacier. Hope refused to eat anything but the chocolate chip cookies that Laura had baked that morning. She was busy playing in the nearby wildflowers while the rest of us ate roasted marmot that Clark had shot just the day before. It had been so long since I had felt the dead inside of my mind that I didn’t realize it wasn’t Gus or Hope I was feeling. By the time I was aware of the creature’s hunger, Hope was almost to it. I stood, dropping my plate of f
ood, and began to run toward her.

  “Hope!” I screamed.

  My little girl turned to look at me, and then looked away. My stomach dropped in fear. I could sense Gus close behind me. I could sense his thoughts. How could we have let her go so far… Panic set in as Hope quickly approached the edge of the glacier that sat across the meadow. That’s when I first saw it. It looked like half a man. It was reaching toward her, but not advancing. At first I thought it was missing its lower half.

  “Hope! Stop!” I screamed shrilly.

  To my horror, she continued toward the creature. It wasn’t approaching her and appeared to only be a torso, which was oddly upright. I could feel its hunger in my head. The familiar hunger of the newly risen. Its only goal was to feed, and it wanted my daughter. It craved her flesh in a way that I had never felt one of the dead crave flesh before.

  “Hope!” screamed Gus, who I sensed only steps behind me.

  She reached the creature only a couple of yards before we could get there. It reached its arms toward her in desperation. She stood before it, seemingly unafraid. The dead man dropped his arms as she took two final baby steps toward him. It seemed transfixed by her eyes. She reached one of her pudgy hands out and touched him on the forehead.

  “Bye-bye,” she said suddenly. Her first words.

  Gus passed me in his rush to reach Hope. He scooped her up and swung her away from the threat, holding her close.

  I looked down at the Roamer, who was now slumped forward and lifeless. His lower half was frozen in the ice.

  “Holy shit,” said Hoot as he reached us. “What the fuck happened?”

  “Bye-bye,” said Hope with a giggle, struggling to get out of Gus’ arms. He refused to let her go.

  “It must have thawed,” I said.

  I no longer sensed anything from the creature. I kicked at its head with my foot to make sure it was really dead. Its head fell backward. The creature’s left cheek was bruised and scuffed. Its left arm was twisted unnaturally, making me think its shoulder may have been dislocated at some point. The right side of its beige winter jacket had a label that said “Steve.”

  “That’s mountain climbing gear,” said Gus, pointing to a pick axe frozen in the nearby ice. “He must have frozen up here, poor fucker.”